THE FINE PRINT



Copyright Notice

Copyright ©1996 2011 John Shelley's Garden Center & Nursery, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide.

John Shelley's Garden Center & Nursery, Inc. and not all the names of all products and services mentioned in this site are trademarks of John Shelley's Garden Center & Nursery, Inc. There are no prices, descriptions and availability of products and services described in this site may change without notice. No product description in this site shall be deemed to be a representation or warranty as to that product, either express or implied, and all such warranties, including the warranties of merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose, are expressly disclaimed. Unless, of course, a well-heeled corporate sponsor slithers out from under a lichen-covered rock, and offers us millions for the operation and accompanying website. Well, that almost never happens so we don't sweat it. Jeeez, John is so brutally honest in his opinions of plant material and landscaping, that no one in their right mind would freely-fund his operation, for fear of his discovery of a damned flaw in their product. So, as a result, we all have to work 2 and 3 jobs. Hey, life sometimes sucks.

Terms & Conditions

Permission to copy and distribute all documents and related graphics from this World Wide Web (WWW) site is denied, unless subjected to the following terms and conditions:

  1. If you ever see me in person, you have to invite me out for lunch, especially at a fine Italian, Chinese (Dim Sum), Mexican (not Taco Bell) (((NOPE))) or French restaurant (((NOPE))),
  2. Remember to refer to me as "The Internet Plant Doctor" in all conversations where my name comes up,
  3. Don't make fun of typos in The Journal unless they're too obvious to overlook, like I'd have to be blind (no offense to blind people) to have missed it, and lastly,
  4. Introduce me to a culturally-literate, vivacious, knockout, 23-year old, raven-haired beautiful woman, if you know one; preferably not your daughter. Unfortunately, here in York County, PA, such women are almost non-existent and generally considered tourists, not residents.

Each document published by John Shelley (herein known as "John", "The InterNet Plant Doctor", "The Marketing Guru") on this site may contain other proprietary notices or describe products, services, processes, technologies, ways of life or religions, or include lists of types of food that make him flatulent, do really stupid things with potatoes, ways to turn origami swans into fascinating but silly works of art, telephone numbers of people he's annoyed with, and state employees who work for motor vehicle departments who should be sterilized, so they don't breed. Nothing contained herein shall be construed as granting to the user a license under any trademark, patent or other intellectual property right of John Shelley, because he doesn't have any.

Trademarks

The term "Big Fat Stupid Ignorant ("Once-Fat Stupid Moron") is a trademark of Mikey "Boweling For Columbine" and "FartenHurt 9-11" Moore-on, but Pat "Wow Am I A Prejudiced Bigot Or What?" Buchanan is right up there. The term "Do-Nothing Spineless Rhetoric-Spewing Slacker Who Got Lucky Once" is a trademark of Bubba Jeffy "Don't Ask Me To Do Anything Worthwhile" Clinton. The term "We Can't Do Anything Because We Spend Too Much Time Kowtowing To Big Money Special Interest Groups" is a trademark of The United States Congress. All other products and service marks contained herein are the trademarks of their respective owners except those which aren't; in which case they are the trademark of somebody else.

Consent to Monitoring and Disclosure

John is under no obligation to monitor the information residing on or transmitted to this site, especially in his Journal. However, anyone using this site agrees that John may monitor the site contents periodically to: (1) comply with any necessary laws, regulations or other governmental requests (not) and questions asked during the 1964-1965 season of the television show "Jeopardy!" when it was still hosted by Art Fleming instead of that smarmy know-it-all with the phony, forced-accents Alex Trebec; (2) to operate the site properly or to protect itself and its users from outside influences and peer pressure to (a) smoke; (b) drink; (c) use drugs; (d) participate in sex acts with barnyard animals; (e) serve warm, flat beer or (f) make that annoying 'nyah nyah' noise even when it's correct in saying that Bruce Willis is really, really annoying; (3) make changes just for the hell of it. John reserves the right to modify, reject or eliminate any information residing on or transmitted to his site that he, in his sole discretion, believes is unacceptable or in violation of these terms and conditions or he just plain doesn't like it.

Should any user of information on this site provide John with information, including but not limited to feedback, data, answers, questions, comments, suggestions, plans, ideas, opinions, states of being, proof of the existence of a God or gods, conditions under which a lawn mower may be considered a G flat major chord, such information shall be deemed to be nonconfidential and John assumes no obligation to protect such information from disclosure. The submission of such information to John shall in no way prevent the purchase, manufacture or use of similar products, services, plans and ideas by John for any purpose whatever including but not limited to being free to reproduce, use, disclose and distribute the information to others without restriction, especially from Time Warner or Sony because they pay big bucks.

Disclaimer of Liability

THE USER OF THIS SYSTEM ASSUMES ALL RESPONSIBILITY AND RISK FOR THE USE OF THIS SITE AND THE INTERNET GENERALLY. OR DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT? JOHN DISCLAIMS ALL WARRANTIES, REPRESENTATIONS, PROMISES OR ENDORSEMENTS, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, WITH REGARD TO THE INFORMATION ACCESSED FROM, OR VIA, THIS SITE OR THE INTERNET, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, ALL IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, BRAIN CAPACITY, LIKE OR DISLIKE OF A PARTICULAR PERFUME IN RELATION TO BREAST SIZE, OR NONINFRINGEMENT. JOHN DOES NOT ASSUME ANY LEGAL LIABILITY OR RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE ACCURACY, COMPLETENESS, OR USEFULNESS OF ANY INFORMATION, APPARATUS, PRODUCT OR PROCESS DISCLOSED ON THE SITE, ESPECIALLY IF IT IS MANUFACTURED OR HAS BEEN PURCHASED AND REPACKAGED AS A PRODUCT OF MICROSOFT CORP, BECAUSE THEY SCREW EVERYTHING UP OR OTHER MATERIAL ACCESSIBLE FROM THE SITE SINCE I CERTAINLY CAN'T CONTROL WHAT NEW HTML EXTENSIONS NETSCAPE PLANS TO FORCE DOWN OUR THROATS NEXT.

IN NO EVENT SHALL JOHN BE LIABLE FOR ANY SPECIAL, INDIRECT, OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES OR ANY DAMAGES WHATSOEVER RESULTING FROM LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS, WHETHER IN AN ACTION OF CONTRACT, NEGLIGENCE OR OTHER TORTIOUS ACTION WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS, ARISING OUT OF OR IN CONNECTION WITH THE USE OR PERFORMANCE OF THE INFORMATION ON THIS SITE OR THE INTERNET GENERALLY. SO THERE.

No Warranties

Any material on this site may include technical (HTML) inaccuracies or typographical errors. In fact it is guaranteed that there are probably lots of errors and out-of-date links and misspellings and poor choices of words and libelous statements but, like, who cares, you know? John has the right to make changes and updates to any information contained within this site without prior notice. John may also, at his discretion, pick his nose while driving; sing loudly and out of tune while wearing headphones; wear the same pair of underwear twice before washing them; have a bagel with cream cheese and lox over coffee on Saturday mornings (if he ever stops working 20hrs a day) while watching "The Victory Garden"; not wash the Jeep ever again.

THE INFORMATION PROVIDED ON THIS SITE IS PROVIDED ON AN "AS IS" AND "AS AVAILABLE" BASIS WITHOUT WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, WARRANTIES OF TITLE, NONINFRINGEMENT OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE BLAH BLAH BLAH SO ON AND SO FORTH. NO ADVICE OR INFORMATION GIVEN BY JOHN SHALL CREATE ANY WARRANTY. JOHN DOES NOT WARRANT THAT THE INFORMATION ON THIS SITE OR ON THE INTERNET GENERALLY WILL BE UNINTERRUPTABLE OR ERROR FREE OR THAT ANY INFORMATION, SOFTWARE OR OTHER MATERIAL ACCESSIBLE FROM THIS SITE IS FREE OF VIRUSES OR OTHER HARMFUL COMPONENTS. FURTHERMORE, EVERYTHING STATED IN THE ABOVE IS FALSE AND MISLEADING INCLUDING THIS SENTENCE AND THE INFORMATION FOLLOWING IT.

Disclaimer of Endorsement

Reference herein to any products, services, processes, hypertext links to third parties or other information by trade name, trademark, manufacturer, supplier or otherwise does not necessarily constitute or imply its endorsement, sponsorship or recommendation by John, but it might. Product and service information are the sole responsibility of each individual vendor with the exception, once again, of Microsoft Corporation since who can tell what shit they include in their releases that will cause your computer to freeze-up, smoke, melt, explode, produce an entirely new language unknown to mankind or launch itself onto The Microsoft Network which, in itself, provides a new definition for the word 'slow'. John Shelley's Garden Center & Nursery, Inc.'s name and logo may not be used in any commercial manner without the prior written consent of John unless it would be cool to do so and make more people come for a visit. Sit down. Make yourself at home. Have you tried these cookies? I put extra brown sugar and vanilla in them.


Was that a lot of junk to read or what? I especially liked the part about how I'm not responsible if the net breaks down. Yeah, right. For further information relating to the legal issues contained in these terms and conditions, contact the John's EEOC Legal Department at (805) 555-BITE-ME.
For questions or problem reports regarding this service, contact the John's Legal Aid Fund. Or don't.