hereas it's Thanksgiving week, I've opted to run a classic Dave Barry column, originally published on Nov. 15, 1998. Enjoy!
"So this year, you agreed to host the big family Thanksgiving dinner. Congratulations! You moron!
No, seriously, hosting Thanksgiving dinner does NOT have to be traumatic. The key is planning. For example, every year my family spends Thanksgiving at the home of a friend named Arlene Reidy, who prepares dinner for a huge number of people. I can't give an exact figure, because my eyeballs have become fogged with gravy. But I'm pretty sure that Arlene is feeding several branches of the armed forces.
And Arlene is not slapping just any old food on the table, either. She's a gourmet cook who can make anything. I bet she has a recipe for cold fusion.
She serves moist, tender turkeys the size of Arnold Schwarzenegger, accompanied by a vast array of exotic hors d'oeuvres and 350 kinds of sweet potatoes made from scratch. I'm pretty sure Arlene threshes her own wheat. If you were to look into Arlene's dining room at the end of Thanksgiving dinner, it would at first appear to be empty. Then you'd hear groans and burps coming from under the table, and you'd realize that the guests, no longer able to cope with the food and gravity at the same time, were lying on the floor. Every now and then you'd see a hand snake up over the edge of the table, grab a handful of stuffing, then dart back under the table again, after which you'd hear chewing, then swallowing, then the sound of digestive organs rupturing. Some guests have to be rushed by ambulance to the hospital, receiving pumpkin pie intravenously en route.
The question is: How is Arlene able to prepare such an amazing feast for so many people? The answer is simple: I have no idea. I'm always watching football when it happens. But my point is that, if you want to provide your Thanksgiving guests with a delicious home-cooked meal, one approach would be to go to Arlene's house and steal some of her food when she's busy churning the butter. She'd never notice. She has enough leftovers to make turkey sandwiches for everybody in Belgium.
If you prefer to do your own cooking this Thanksgiving, your first step is to calculate how much turkey you need. Home economists tell us that the average 155-pound person consumes 1.5 pounds of turkey, so if you're planning to have 14 relatives for dinner, you'd simply multiply 14 times 1.5 times 155, which means your turkey should weigh, let's see, carry the two ... 3,255 pounds. If you can't find a turkey that size, you should call up selected relatives and explain to them, in a sensitive and diplomatic manner, that they can't come because they weigh too much.
In selecting a turkey, remember that the fresher it is, the better it will taste. That's why, if you go into the kitchen of top professional homemaker (and convicted felon) Martha Stewart on Thanksgiving morning, you'll find her whacking a live turkey with a hatchet. In fact, you'll find Martha doing this every morning.
"It just relaxes me," she reports.
Your other option is to get a frozen turkey at the supermarket. The Turkey Manufacturers Association recommends that, before you purchase a frozen bird, you check it for firmness by test-dropping it on the supermarket floor — it should bounce three vertical inches per pound — and then take a core sample of the breast by drilling into it with a 1-inch masonry bit until you strike the giblets. If supermarket employees attempt to question you, the Turkey Manufacturers Association recommends that you "gesture at them with the drill in a reassuring manner".
When you get the turkey home, you should thaw it completely by letting it sit on a standard kitchen counter at room temperature for one half of the turkey's weight in hours, or roughly 19 weeks. "If you see spiders nesting in your turkey," states the Turkey Manufacturers Association, "you waited too long."
Once the turkey is defrosted, you simply cook it in a standard household oven at 138.4 degrees centimeter for 27 minutes per pound (29 minutes for married taxpayers filing jointly). Add four minutes for each 100 feet of your home's elevation above sea level, which you should determine using a standard household sextant. Inspect the turkey regularly as it cooks; when you notice that the skin has started to blister, the time has come for you to give your guests the message they've been eagerly awaiting: "Run!"
Because you left the plastic wrapper on the turkey, and it's about to explode, spewing out flaming salmonella units at the speed of sound. As you stand outside waiting for the fire trucks, you should take a moment to count your blessings. The main one, of course, is that you will definitely NOT be asked to host the big family Thanksgiving dinner next year. But it's also important to remember — as our Pilgrim foreparents remembered on the very first Thanksgiving — that two excellent names for rock bands would be 'The Turkey Spiders' and 'The Flaming Salmonella Units'."
Around The Garden Center™.
I don't care what the calender says, Winter is here. Temps are in the upper-30s/ lower-40s during the day, and in the teens and 20s at night. Snow showers are forecast. I've "winterized" the office AC unit and west-facing windows in the Main Building. I've drained-down the GC&N's irrigation system — all 6 miles of it underground — and completely shut-down the electronic-controllers. The specific programs remain dormant in memory, but are now immune from Winter lightening strikes in the massive 20-ac, "spider-web" system of pipes and wire.
Happy 50th Birthday, Green Bean Casserole! Yuk; do I ever remember that dish in the jr high and high school cafeterias back in Arlington Heights, Illinois, in the 50s and 60s.
Yaaaaaaaaaaay, Penn State! Hrrruuph; what am I saying? I'm not a sports fan, at all. Dad is a huge PSU Fan (he's a PSU Alumnus).
Reason #7, why I carry concealed. Here's Reason #2.
Rain and snow showers hit the region on Monday, and lasted into Thursday, with high winds, very cold temps and squalls rolling through for the better part of 3 days. I had to postpone some tree installations, as it was just too muddy and slippery, and that's a prescription for an accident waiting to happen. I won't ever put my employees at risk. Anything can be rescheduled, IMO. Two more landscape jobs have come in, and we're hoping that the weather will hold for just one more week. The six 30ft x 100ft greenhouses are now "winterized", and all containerized nursery stock and perennials are safely stored for the Winter.
I hope you and yours had a Happy Thanksgiving, as I did. As usual, I spent it at Mom & Dad's, who had a huge turkey dinner with all the sides, fixin's and trimmings. Yum and double-burp.
Yikes, a cranberry shortage? Say it ain't so!
I still hold Norman Rockwell's "Four Freedoms" paintings, from the 1950s, near and dear, as something to cherish, along with white picket fences, Mom and apple pie. America really used to be that way in the 50s and early 60s. Today, we've lost the values, moral and mores which made America a Family-centered society. There was a real connection to Family and Memories, our local Churches and schools, Boy Scouts and Girls Scouts. Today, we take for granted what we've been blessed with: Mom and Dad and Siblings and Relatives. Family is the fundamental building block of society. Family is everything. 65% of Americans have thrown God and Jesus overboard, in their search for more money, leisure time, gadgets and conveniences; church attendance is down almost 70%. I'm taking "inventory" this year, and becoming more and more grateful for what I have. Thanks to my Family.
Reason #1 why I don't travel anywhere for Thanksgiving, other than locally to my Family's Estate.
Will your Christmas lights display look anything like this? I'd bet his neighbors aren't happy, but I like it.
If you can, please give to the USO Care Package Drive for our Brave US Military, sacrificing their time and their lives, over the Family Holidays; I gave $50 on Wednesday evening. We just can't do enough for our Brave US Military, especially at this time of year. Do what you can.
"Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire", by Nat King Cole, in 78rpm. (((sniffle))). Wonderful memories for the 50s and 60s. Dolly? Chime-in, anytime.
Holy crap, can this woman put away the turkey, or what?
This is the time of year where we give thanks for all we have. I am thankful for my family, my job,my home and my friends. Most of all I am thankful for our men and women in our awesome military and the freedom they give us. I salute our Troops and wish them a very Happy Thanksgiving. God bless and protect our Troops and their families. God bless our President and our great Nation.
US Rep Tom Tancredo (CONSERVATIVE-CO) is one of the very few fiscal Conservatives in the US Congress; the rest are worthless RINO scumbags.
I'm a huge Michelle Malkin fan, and after reading this column, even more so.
Finally, a little sanity from Canada.
What First Amendment Right of Free Speech? WTF?!
YES, completely and totally end the "anchor babies" crap — the dumbass 14th Amendment — in the US Constitution. STOP wire transfers of cash back to Mexico. Presto-Chango: illegal wetback aliens from Mexico, will diminish 99%, IMO.
Presto-chango: the illegal drug problem is solved.
Ben Stein "gets it".
Former US Federal Reserve chairman, Paul Volcker (PATRIOT-USA), did the world a favor by keeping the criminal, turd-world, lowlife scumbag UN's Oil-For-Food scandal documents, online. But I don't trust him.
Ooooops! US Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito Jr, admitted he made a mistake in a 1991 opinion when he backed a Pennsylvania law that women needed permission from their husbands to get an abortion, he told gutless, spineless, ovary-less, dirtbag bitch, US Sen Olympia Snowe (LIBERAL-ME). TSK, TSK, TSK, Sammy Boy. You suck teabags of shit. Grow a spine and some balls, idiot.
X Marks the Vice President? X(C)NN sucks a festering bag of dogshit. Dumbass liberal idiots.
Patrick J. Buchanan is an asshole; he's finally lost all credibility with me.
A Conservative Thanksgiving vs a pathetic liberal dinner? Right here.
No Jean, you don't need to apologize to the traitorous, coward, whining Murtha blowhard; he's dogshit and a lowlife scumbag. You DO need a new hairdresser, girl.
Sec'y of State Condi Rice is an idiot.
Good idea, President Bush: bombing the headquarters of Arabic-language television network Al-Jazeera and killing as many of the subhuman, pigshit-slurping muslim-islamic filth as possible. Do it.
Mr President: clean out the Klintoon-corrupted DoD, and start over.
A message to all liberals, from Gen Patton's "ghost". Heh.
Cowardly, whining liberal dirtbag, snivelling, scum-sucking lowlife, criminal, disgraced leftist filth, pathetic creature, US Rep John Murtha (TRAITOR-PA), has bent over and grabbed his ankles for the wacko moonbats, for immediate redeployment, who are now running the liberal-demokkkRAT party. Here's the full text of his cowardly, traitorous speech. He pulled this same cut-and-run cowardice crap back in '93. So too, has failed, rated one of the worst ever, mentally-ill, former CIA director Stansfield Turner has labeled Dick Cheney a "vice president for torture." Turner and Jimmy "Shit-For-Brains" Carter-Farter are directly responsible for the fall of the Shah of Iran, and the rise of global terrorism by subhuman muslim-islamic filth. Assholes, both; the death of millions are on their empty heads.
In the US House vote last week on dirtbag Murtha's resolution to withdraw US Troops from Iraq, only 3 of the liberal-demokkkRAT wackos had the guts to vote heir twisted conviction; the rest are lying cowards and voted "no", in a 403-3. Cowardly, traitors, weasels, scumbags, dirtballs, all. The socialist, commie, liberal-biased MSM quickly dropped the story and buried news of the vote count.
US Rep Charlie Rangel (LIAR-NY), US Sen Jay Rockefeller (TRAITOR-WVa) and US Sen Teddie "Chappaquiddick Swimmer" Kennedy (DRUNK-MA), should be duly charged, tried, convcited, sentenced and executed for racism, sedition and treason, in a time of war. They're all dogshit.
Mary Mapes, the disgraced, ex-cBS bitch who was fired for using forged documents to smear President Bush, is truly mentally-ill and needs serious psychiatric help for her alcoholism and drug addiction.
Yo, gun control in Chi-Town, be working real good, y'all lib-dem shitasses! Niggas can't stop killin' each other, man, and Whitey's dumbass gun lawz jus don't work, man. Yo, homey.
Rabbi Eric Yoffie, the president of the ultra-liberal Union for Reform Judaism, has lashed out at conservatives on the "religious right" who defend traditional morality and the family. He made his remarks in a speech Saturday, to about 5,000 during the movement's national assembly in Houston. Where's Mark David Chapman, when the country really needs him/ them?
Racist, liberal-demokkkRAT, useful idiot, alcoholic, delusional, untalented pole-puffer, fudge-packer, rump-raider writer, Richard Cohen, can't handle the unvarnished truth. He's dogshit, and so is this mentally-ill, turd-boy, Robert "Butt Boy" Dreyfuss, from Rolling Stone fishwrapper.
Leave it to the skunks at the liberal-biased, hate-America AP, to portray the US Taxpayer-financed, Hurricane Katrina survivors as having a "grim Thanksgiving". Our Brave US Mililtary in Afghanistan and Iraq are having a grim Thanksgiving, in the line of fire and death, NOT the ungrateful scumbags in the Gulf. Quit your whining, NOLA assholes and eat the 13lb turkey and trimmings which I, and tens-of-millions of other Americans paid for, along with your housing, clothes and weekly checks. Get a real job and get on with your pathetic lives, scumbags!
Traitor, liar, hate-America, hate-US Military, hate-Bush, scumbag, disgraced US Sen John F(ucking) Kerry (COWARD-MA), has finally won an election: jury foreman. It's the best he'll ever do.
Things Which Make Your Head Explode™.
It's Friday, Nov 18th, at 6:30pm and I'm watching C-SPAN with the US HOUSE'S vote on staying/leaving Iraq. I'm wrapping duct tape around my head, so when it explodes, I'll have all the pieces contained. Docs appreciate that. The corrupt, criminal US liberal-demokkkRAT Congresscritters are being forced to show their brain, spines, guts and balls, ovaries, in a public vote, initiated by cowardly, trairorous garbage like hate-America, hate-US-Military, servile or sincere US Rep Johnnie "The Traitor" Murtha's (COWARD-PA), of withdrawl of US Troops from Iraq. Yea or Nay? Our allies, neutrals, adversaries and enemies were watching this.
Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year! I always say it that way. Happy Holidays, sucks.
I was surprised to learn that 208 Silver Stars had been awarded in Iraq. Apparently heroism isn't newsworthy enough for all of the liberal-demokkkRAT, America-hating, US Military-hating, commie, socialist, fascist, nazi, terrorist-loving MSM filth. They are part of The Enemy Within™, along with the ACLU, Nat'l Lawyers Guild, NAALCP, CAIR, ALF, ELF, CPUSA, NEA, NPR, MSM, AFL-CIO, etc etc etc. Ad infinitum, ad nauseum.
Lowlifes, Scumbags & Assorted Garbage™.
CNN lead story on Sunday 11/20: "Christina Aguilera has found out what a girl wants, and now she's married him." This shit is news? It makes my head spin that this two-bit, untalented skank whorebag is the lead story on Sunday morning. Must be a v-e-r-y slow news day.
5 million new AIDS cases in '05? And I should care, why? I hope they don't linger too long.
Soooooooo, "things are back to normal" in France? Dumbass, cowardly, inept, feckless imbeciles that they have become, are whistling past the cemetery. The rioters, barbarians, murderers and terrorists — islam — are at their throats.
Mary Mapes, the disgraced, delusional, alcoholic, fired-skank from cBS News, is a filthy lying whore. Her shitty little book, Truth and Duty, is loaded with lies and delusions. Though the bitch took down the faked documents, here's the Google cache of her website with the faked documents intact. She isn't competent or fit to even run a brassiere store in Hoboken, NJ.
John Lennon's murder was "one of the most heinous crimes of the century", is a gross overstatement. The real shame is that Mark David Chapman didn't also kill that fugly wackjob bitch, Yoko Ono, too. If he had killed her, and I was on the jury, I would have voted *not guilty*.
Justin Raimondo, a power-mad attention freak, gay prostitute, AIDS-riddled subhuman piece of filth, should be in prison where he could be gang-raped nightly, and "Dahmerized".
Reason #17 why I'll never go back to either Cana-duh or France.
A fast-rising crime and murder rate in San-Fran-Freako? They have a full ban on all guns and ammo, don't they? Take a guess; I could give a crap. Wait until the riots start.
In the late 90s, I was a huge fan of Mario Batali, but since his anti-Bush antics in 2000, I relegate him to the shitpile and truly hope he crashes and burns, personally and professionally. He's shit. I wouldn't throw him a lifesaver if he was drowning; I'd throw him a cinder block. Hey, Mario: you suck, liberal scumbag!
Pete Rose, the lying criminal scumbag, should never be allowed to be near The Baseball Hall of Fame. He's shit.
South Africa is a murderous nigger shithole. Get the Whites out, and nuke the place. End of problem. Let the sambo filth starve to death.
Bob who? Washed-up, has-been, never was liberal-demokkkRAT asshole. F*ck him. Try and execute his ass.
The State of Louisiana truly sucks, as incompetents like Nagin, Blanco and Landrieu have ruined the place, and and continuing the killing of innocent animals. Two mindless bitches and a dumbass, racist nigger.
Frog riots? Kill the rioters, dammit!
Imprison Oil-For-Food criminal scum filth, Kojo & Kofi Annan; end of problem.
Ohio's mentally-ill, liberal-demokkkRAT punk, dirtbag Councilman Michael C Mentel, has made Columbus (OH) a target for criminals. Mentel is pigshit. Watch for *the muslim-criminal riots*, in the coming years.
Hollyweird "actress" Catherine Zeta-Jones is mentally-ill dumbass, with an irrational fear of turkeys at Thanksgiving. Idiot bitch.
Another degenerate, old left-wing wacko, sodomite-homo-faggot scumbag deviant, dirtbag child molester, Vernon "I Like Little Boys" Bellecourt, denigrates one of America's Holidays: Thanksgiving.
A letter-writing campaign by third-graders at Allis Elementary School encouraging an end to the war in Iraq was canceled because it violates School Board policy, district officials said Tuesday. Dirtbag liberal filth bitch, Julie Fitzpatrick, a member of the 10-teacher team that developed the project for the school's 90 third-grade students in five classes, said the assignment was intended to demonstrate citizen action, one of the district's standards in social studies. That's a lie, Fitzpatrick whorebag. You and the other 9 fascist, commie, socialist nazi garbage are trying to politically influence young childrens' minds to your, sick perverted agenda. You're all fired!
islam Is A Murderous, Terrorist, Criminal Organization™.
All you have to remember about the horror which is islam, is that islamists want to kill you, muslims simply want you dead.
I'm sick and tired of pointing out the murderous muslim assholes, killing untold innocents around the world. So nothing this week. Just remember that the terrorist-loving MSM hide the muslim-islamic filths' crimes, on a daily basis.
Oh, f*ck it; here we go...
The order from radical Islamic cleric Abdul Nacer Benbrika was to inflict "maximum damage" as the Sydney terror cell planned a violent jihad in Australia. Kill the subhuman filth. I issue a pig-fartwa against him.
Bruce Willis is apparently offering a $1 million bounty on the heads of A-list terrorists like Osama Bin Laden, Aymen Al-Zawahiri and Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. I can top that, Bruce: $10 million on each of their empty, murderous, muslim-islamic pigshit heads. How's that, Bubbie? Bruce is a good guy, BTW.
Virginia has surrendered to the subhuman, lowlife, pigshit-gulping, murderous, terrorist muslim-islamic plague.
The stupid f*cking muslim filth in France/ Froggyland, are now saying that the Jews caused and ran the riots in 300 cities, since the Jews control the media and government. Huh? Talk about delusional, subhuman pigshit-gulping islamic-muslim trash.
After being held for more than three years in US military custody, dirtbag lowlife scum, Jose Padilla has been charged with membership in a North American terrorist support cell and with conspiracy to murder, kidnap and maim. Kill the wetback spic muslim-islamic pig-f*cker!
Maha Elsamnah wants us all to be shocked at the treatment of her 19-year-old son, Omar Khadr, a suspect in the murder of a US Army Medic, who is being held in a military jail at Guantanamo Bay (CITMO), Cuba. F*ck Maha; KILL OMAR the pigturd, the pigshit-slurping, subhuman muslim-islamic dirtbag garbage.
King Abdullah II, called for a global fight against terrorism Saturday as Jordan acknowledged, for the first time, that al-Qaida in Iraq used three foreign suicide bombers to attack Amman hotels, killing 57 others. Hmmmmm, I have new respect for King Abdullah II. We'll seewhat he does.
Puke University in Durham, NC? Nuke the Duke-Puke shithole! My Conservative Sister, Becky, and my brainwashed, liberal cousin, Carole0-Ann, are long-gone from that garbage-dump-site, IMO. NUKE IT!
Subhuman, pigshit-gulping, lowlife dirtbag muslim filth raping native Scandinavian women, and the cowardly police covering it up? KILL THE F*CKING MUSLIM-ISLAMIC GARBAGE! Deport the rest of the islamic filth immediately, dammit! What's wrong with you cowardly European idiots?
Some People Just Need Killing™.
Thank you, North Carolina, for making my week! Subhuman, piece-of-shit, Elias Syriani, 67, was executed early Friday by lethal injection for the 1990 stabbing death of his wife, despite the pleas of his four children who sought clemency for their father. Rot in hell, scumbag.
Turd-sucking, scumbag punk, Dominick Sergio Maldonado, 20, needs killing for shooting 6 people in a Tacoma shopping mall, and simply because he has a long criminal history. He's filth and trash. Kill him.
Go ahead, VietNam: kill the pedophile sodomite-homo, alcoholic, drug-addict, Gary Glitter. He's subhuman filth.
Deported twice, arrested for DWI three times, using three separate names, obvious used false documents to get new drivers licenses, and now he has killed someone. Kill the subhuman wetback filth, Jorge Hernandez.
Three years of house arrest and seven years' probation for child molestation is obscene. This pervert, Debra Lafave, 25, should be executed, as should all child molesters. Out-freaking-rageous.
No life in prison on my US Taxpayer dollars: kill the subhuman pigshit-drinking muslim-islamic dirtbag, Ahmed Omar Abu Ali. Send him to hell where all murderous muslim trash belongs. KILL HIM!
Both illegal alien, wetback filth, Jose Santos Romero-Daniel, 26, and Daniel Miguel Toxqui, 19, need immediate killing, for this.
Kill this murderous, subhuman, lowlife sambo filth, Stanley "Tookie" Williams, already dammit! This subhuman, murderous, piece-of-shit needs KILLING!
A 12-year-old boy was charged with first-degree murder Friday after he allegedly pulled out a handgun and shot a man four times during a street dice game in the pre-dawn hours on Chicago's Far South Side last Sunday. The boy — one of the youngest in recent memory to be charged with murder in Cook County — continued firing even after the 26-year-old victim fell to the ground, a law enforcement source told the Chicago Sun-Times. Deon McGary of Hazel Crest was shot in each shoulder, his right bicep and groin, another source said. Kill the 12-year old. KILL HIM!
Two foster parents from Southern Oregon are facing charges of sexually abusing at least three children in their care, police said.
The case began when Josephine County deputies found a 13-year-old runaway last Sunday; the girl told them she'd left home to escape being sexually abused by her foster father, Greg Miller and his wife Colleen. KILL THEM!
The IrrRev Thomas Graham, 72, should be executed, IMO. All child molesters should be killed. Their recividism rate is 90%; they need immediate killing, IMO. He's subhuman filth.
Nathan Sawaya: The Art of the Brick.
Playing with toys for a living sounds pretty good to me, but artist Nathan Sawaya takes it to a whole new level. Having abandoned a lucrative law career for a hard-won stint as Lego master builder at Legoland California, this inventive sculptor now runs his own company and hones his unusual skills on such pieces as a 10-foot-long Chris-Craft Speedster, mosaic portraits of Alfred Hitchcock and Lindsay Lohan, a seven-foot replica of the Brooklyn Bridge, and an incredible rendition of Han Solo frozen in carbonite — which took nearly three months and 10,000 gray Lego bricks to build. And as if his job weren't cool enough, Sawaya has started sculpting in candy, too. Explore this entertaining and elegantly designed site to see the Lego virtuoso at work, and don't forget to look below the images for his cheeky commentary.